I should be working right now, but I can’t seem to have enough will-power to pick up the pen and start writing those presentations. Yes, I know the deadline is getting closer and close, but hopefully, a cup of tea, an orange and a bar of chocolate will do the trick and help me write the presentations is no time

I did a bit of existential thinking these days [yeah, I don’t have as much time as I used to, to think about all the stupidities in the world] and I managed to bring myself down. Why can’t I keep in touch with all my friends? Why are there people who where once very important to me and now we don’t even say “hi” when we meet on the street? Uh, I hate when things like this happen. It’s such a bitter feeling to look at a “now friend” and to realise that someday (s)he can become a “then friend”. I can’t yet get used to the idea that people come and people go. Of course there are a few who stand by your side for ever and ever and ever, but most of them are there for a short period of time.

I’m not complaining about my friends [I have some of the most incredible friends in the world!], I’m complaining about myself. I wish I could let the people I care about them; I wish I could write them just a few lines on YM and tell them I miss them; thank them for simply being there; that I feel special being their friend. And if I don’t do that, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about them. I often wonder how they are, if they’re ok, if they still remember me.

So, yeah, I do think about you.

But I’ll blame it on the sun,
The sun that didn’t shine,
I blame it on the wind, and the trees.

I’ll blame it on the time,
That never was enough,
I’ll blame it on the tide, and the sea.
But my heart blames it… on me.

*Blame it on the sun - Emiliana Torrini

I can’t believe it’s almost Friday - another Friday, another wasted week. I had two very easy exams - got 10 at both of them. I can hardly wait to go to the seaside this weekend! Hope it’s going to be fun and there aren’t going to be too many people. I really miss the sea and the feeling of total inner peace it gives me.

I made spaghetti today, but a certain someone couldn’t come over; anyway, I stayed in bed all afternoon and read book catalogues. I feel sad, cause I haven’t read a good book for quite some time [~a week]. In fact, it’s quite frustrating: I start reading a book, read the first 30-40 pages [or more] and then I feel I’m wasting my time with crappy books when I could be reading something else. So, I leave them unfinished, pick another one and - what do you know, the process repeats itself I need a good book. Fast!

It’s funny… I’ve looked at pictures of Cata I have on my computer. I feel I don’t know him anymore, that I never did. He seems a total stranger now. I don’t even remember how he looked the last time I saw him. I don’t even remember the way he kissed. Brrrr… is this all that remains after a break-up? A blurry memory of him and the stupid question: “Why wasn’t love enough for this relationship to go on?” I’m not sad, I don’t want him back, but I can’t get over the fact that I got over him this soon. No, I wouldn’t have liked to feel empty and to bitch about how awful my life is and shit like that, but how could I forget him this soon if I knew I really loved him? Where did that love go away? Why did it go away this quickly?

Speaking of ex-boyfriends… I’m glad I’m getting along quite well with Radu [again]. I’m not sure for how long this peaceful friendship relationship will last, but now I know that no matter what, he’ll always be there to listen to me and to support me. It’s great to have such a friend. After all I’ve put him through, after all those times I was beyond bitchy and mean with him, he’s still my friend. We’ve known each other for so long, we’ve been through so many things together [both happy and sad], that I can’t deny his importance in my life. No, I don’t have romantic feelings for him, but it’s great when we get together in Baia Mare and talk about “those days” or when we talk on YM. So, thanks dude!

I didn’t feel like eating proper food this week. Instead, I stuffed myself with whatever sweets I had: biscuits, chocolate [lots of it!], bonbons and many others. Now I don’t feel quite good, so it’s a good thing I made spaghetti. Do you think it’s possible I could be developing some form of diabetes over the years if I continue eating so many sweets? I mean, I don’t put on weight [which is super!], but what about diabetes?

Oh well, enough with the worries. I know I have to die someday, but why think about it? I’m just glad that it’s spring, my hair is [slowly] growing back, Dana will buy that iPod for me these days, I finally got the new card from the bank [and it’s green!!! ] and I’ll have a new ID card as soon as possible. So, yeah, my life’s back on track

Woke up this morning with uRMa sleeping on my shoulder. I got out of bed, knocked over a bottle of juice, stepped on book catalogues, took a shower and smiled.

I can’t believe how good I have felt these last days. uRMa is an amazing cat! She makes me laugh, she keeps me company and I think in a cattish way she loves me too And I got a 10 at the German exam, I have another one on Wednesday, but that’s going to be way easier than any other one. Yeah, I’ve got as much free time as I want. The best part is that the publishing house gave me lots of book catalogues to read and chose books I find interesting. Of course I have to discuss them with my boss afterwards, but I still feel I have an important job to do It’s so much fuuuun: I just sit in the middle of the bed with all those catalogues spread around me, with a chocolate in one hand and a pen in the other hand and I read about books and mutter “this sounds pretty interesting” or “who the heck would like to read a book like this?”. I simply love my job! And Belle and Sebastian is the perfect spring-happy-mood band, so I keep listening only to it. Yeeey!!!

Ok, ok, enough with my bouncy mood. I’m going back to my books and my job

I can’t learn with uRMa around She’s so active and she wants to play and keeps biting me and jumping on my sheets of paper and, above all, she makes me laugh! So, it’s more uRMa, less German for me

I will forever be grateful to Puck for giving me uRMa. She’s so adorable! She follows me around and sleeps with me every night. When I’m sitting at my desk she always sleeps in my lap. And she loves to play! I’m so glad I have her!

I was under the bed, trying to get uRMa out of there and Patric helped me

Success!

Too much beer these days… a very, very cute cat… lots of fun with friends… maybe I’ll go to the Byron concert tonight… an awesome book… only the bite on my hand reminds me of him… I’m going to see Mum this weekend - I’m going to Sinaia! … I’ll have an iPod and a new pair of Converse… I’m going to see Mihnea today… I love my cat!… I’m over you, dude! Feels like summer again… test paper in English today… look, I’m smiling At least the oranges are sweet… I miss My Maria… I love my cat! I wanna have a new earring… I miss the seaside… I’m looking forward to the Kumm concert! I really should watch a James Bond movie… my hair is as messy as ever \m/… too much sweets these days… book-lovers’ meeting on Sunday - oh, the joy! “Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better” - is playing on and on… I feel like I’m 15 again… I miss my TM dudes [Vali and Marius]… I’m looking forward to the summer holiday I wanna travel a lot… I wanna read again with the same pleasure as before… I want that iPod already! I love Bucharest! And Jen… Yeah, I’m back

I’m sick and tired of complaining about my miserable life. I need a break from this blog, from YM, from phone calls, from everybody. I need some time alone, to adjust to this new situation, to accept it and to live with it. I need time to convince myself that this is for the best and that everything’s going to be just fine.

I’m not a Rainbow anymore. This break-up drained all my energy, all my lust, all my happiness. It’s hard to readjust your life after the most important person in it has left. It’s hard to simply erase a person from your life, to live without him. I need to do that. I need to learn how to be a bright Rainbow again. As soon as I learn that, I’ll be back.

no no no it’s ovetr for good noooooooooooo i want him i know i do why????????? not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want him bacK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no, it’s too mych. i can’t take it. it’s just as it was with a;lex; no it’s even more horrible i want him back!!!!!

He hasn’t written or called or talked to me on YM. And I’m standing here and crying my eyes out for someone who doesn’t want me anymore. How stupid can I be? But I wrote him an e-mail and told him I know what his decision is and I want only one last thing from him: to leave me alone. No calls, no messages, no e-mails, no nothing. And we’re both so stubborn that no matter how hurt we are, we won’t ever tell the other.

And I don’t want to go to church, I don’t want to pretend I’m happy, I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to miss him, I don’t want to want him anymore, I don’t want to feel anything for him, I…

There’s no better word to describe my current state than “yeak”. I don’t feel like doing anything: reading, listening to music, watching Seinfeld, talking to my friends… I feel like taking a solitary long walk, but I fear I might burst out in tears and I don’t want that to happen.

I feel miserable… yeah, maybe this is the normal way I should feel after a break up, but it’s harder that I thought. It drives me nuts that this relationship never had the change it deserved. We were never on our own in the same city for more than 3 days. And what pisses me off even more is the fact that those days were absolutely great! So, now, why do we have to split up when there’s so little time left till he moves to Bucharest? Well, the problem is that we wanted to move there cause of me. And now, with all this fighting and shit, he’s not that sure. I wish he had taken that decision - of moving to Bucharest - long before he had known me. It would have made things much easier.

Now we’re in this shitty situation: we don’t really know what to do. We’re supposed to meet today, but he told me he has some stuff to do and he doesn’t answer on YM or on his phone. Where are you, dude? I know I’ll start crying the moment I see him, but I can’t help myself. He still is my dearest one. And it’s stupid that we fight over such trivial things, it’s stupid that we can’t make this relationship work out. Though we want it to. Isn’t it ironic?

And I’m so mean with everyone around me, especially with Mum. I hate being like this, but this is the only thing I can think about. I don’t care about the holiday, about relaxing, about going out with my friends… all I want is to get out of this situation, one way or another.

You keep telling me that this is for the better. I can’t believe it. Not know. I can’t picture my future anymore… it’s all a distant blur. And I don’t even want to hear about “meeting someone else”. I don’t want anybody else, ok? I think I’ll turn into a little Stan Marsh [the South Park character] only I won’t puke in front of the person I like, I’ll puke in front of everyone who’ll try to make the first move. I loathe the thought of having anyone else by my side. Maybe this is also normal, what do I know. Well, I know that I’m a picky person - that’s for sure! I know I judge people by their appearance and no matter what you tell me, I won’t ever be able not to do that. If I don’t like the way a guy looks, I won’t ever be interested in his person, in a romantic way. And then I have to like his personality, which, in this moment, sounds really science fiction to me. I don’t like anyone!!! I’m a mean bitch, how can I actually like someone and how can I want to go out with someone? Come on, not in a million years. And in order to actually meet anyone, I have to get out of the house Yeah, right! My social skills have become close to 0.

Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m in the shittiest situation ever, I bloody miss him and I want to see him, but he’s nowhere to be found. And, like always, I’m in front of the computer, bitching about my life. Jolly great! And as if this wasn’t enough, Mum made me wash my hair with conditioner and straighten it. So now it’s all smooth and silky - makes me wanna puke. I look horrible with “normal” hair. I hate it!!!

I want to eat something decent, but, again, Mum doesn’t let me eat animal products today. Only tomorrow we’ll be allowed to eat something else than vegetables. I’m hungry and I don’t want rice with vegetables!!! In fact, I’m generally pissed off. Everything pisses me off! I want to trash my whole room, I want to beat someone, I want to do something real bad to get out this negative energy inside me. Tomorrow morning we’re going to my grandma’s - oh, the joy! - and I don’t want to be all smiling and talking gaily and answering those stupid questions over and over again: “Oh, so you’re back home for the holidays? [isn’t it obvious?!]”, “How’s Bucharest? [well, nothing really changed since you had asked me that 3 months ago]”, “How are you? I haven’t seen you in ages!” [I feel like shit, but that’s not what you want to hear. In fact, I feel like punching you in the face, you fat ugly cow!!!! And I haven’t fuckin’ missed you at all!!!! I don’t even care about you! As far as I’m concerned, you could drop dead and I couldn’t even care less]. Unfortunately, I can’t say all those things… yeah, I live in a society. Fuck it! I think I’m going anti-social. Who the fuck needs people?

And I feel like screaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like breaking something! Like crying my heart out! Like hating anyone around me! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to calm down.