I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought I would actually cry. We broke up. This time he agreed that this is the best solution. I was kind of taken aback when I heard him say that. He was always the one who said we would never break up, we would live happily ever after. And now… he says “I don’t want you anymore”. I have Alex to thank that I’ve learned my lesson: never believe in such great words, never believe in stupid concepts as “the one” and “meant to be”. I know I’m a bit skeptical when it comes to love and I wish I wasn’t, but I’ve got to protect myself, don’t I? It was horrible, horrible, horrible when Alex broke up with me and I had been in love with him for years after. I’m not going to make the same stupid mistake again. You can say I’m a bit traumatized by that experience, I don’t care.

I packed all his presents and drawings and whatever else he gave me. I don’t want to see them and think of him. We’re going to meet tonight in Baia Mare to give him back his stuff and then I want him out of my life for good. I don’t even want to know what he is doing. I don’t care. And we can’t remain friends. I refuse that. In fact, I want to have this major black-out and not even remember him. And I refuse to think about “the good days”. I refuse to think about him. So who cares there was a time when he was the most important person in my life? Fuck it. I just want to forget… And mostly, I won’t miss him! Nope! I won’t do that! No way!

I lost my wallet. Don’t know how it actually happened, but I lost it. The last thing I remember is that I was at the Romana tube station, took out the card, entered the station, “put” my wallet back and got on a tube. I wanted to go shopping today. I had around 80euro [300RON] in there + my ID card, my two bank cards, all the ID from university and the train ticket from Baia Mare to Bucharest [yes, it’s going to be hell with the Easter holiday, so I bought the ticket earlier]. And I went to Uniri shop and saw a nice skirt, tried it on, wante to buy it, but fuck, I couldn’t find my wallet. I was too shocked not to find it and I didn’t realise what that meant, but now I feel like bashing my head with something!!!! How could I have been so carless? HOW?! I want my wallet back!!! I loved that wallet!!! And I want my papers back!!!!! I’m such a stupid cow!!!! I so hate myself now!!!!!!!!

I don’t thing I’m going to read books on the near future. They make me feel like shit. Well, at least books which have happy endings. I used to totally LOVE those endings, to want such things to happen to me to - you know, have a life just like the one in a book - with ups and downs, but always with a happy ending. Now, I don’t think I can stand reading another of those books. They’re too pretty, they’re too good to be true; they’re not real!

It’s just that this last week has been horrible. I constantly argue with Cata, I sit indoors all day, read and drink tea. I don’t even get out of my pyjamas. I stuff myself with sweets and daydream of a better life. Fuck, I sound so pathetic. But it’s horrible!!! I want to get out of this state of mind, but I can’t. I’m dumping Cata, that’s for sure. I’m fed up with him; everything he does annoys me; I get very easily pissed off; I can’t stand him anymore. It’s going to be a civilized break-up: I’ll give him back his camera and jacket and whatever else he has here, he’ll give me back my books and MASH dvd, we’ll say good-bye and that will be all. No need to keep in touch and talk on YM. A mail from time to time is more than enough. And then I’ll be able to try and sort out my life.

Well, not my whole life is shit. I still have this wonderful job and I get along damn well with my parents. But other important aspects of my life totally suck. I’m not happy. And it’s not like me. Not like me at all. I used to be a Rainbow, all jolly and smiling. And now I’m just this grumpy girl who gives you the “not-fuckin’-stare-at-me-you-idiot” looks. And it’s not like me. I’ve change a lot since I started dating Cata and I hate the person I’ve become. I’m not the happy child I used to be. I can’t enjoy the simple things as I used to, I can’t laugh, I can’t smile, I can’t beam as I used to. Nothing’s the way it used to. And I fuckin’ hate it the way it is now.

Not until I went to Brasov and to Iasi did I realised something very important is missing from my life: FUN. I haven’t had fun in ages! Cata is no fun to hang out with. I’m sorry I have to say this, but it’s true. He’s not the party-type, he’s not the camping-type, fuck, he’s no fun. And it was always only me and him, him and me. I used to [fuckin’ “used to” - hate it! hate it!] have so much fun with the boys; we used to do stuff - get together every weekend and go out, plan trips, go to Rosia Montana, get tipsy and laugh a lot, tell jokes and make fun, go roller-skating, all kinds of stuff [no, I’m not going to forgive them, I’m simply remembering the good ol’ days]. But with Cata… yeak! It was either the park or my place. He never said “let’s go somewhere”, he never surprised me with anything, he was plain.

I fuckin’ miss having fun. Those little two trips [Brasov and especially Iasi] were the best things that happened to me in months! I felt so good, I laughed so much, I enjoyed myself. And I deserve more days like those. Truth is that I’m not the social person I was. I don’t go out much. All my friends here are book-related. Not that it’s a bad thing; hell, no! I love going to tea with them, I love talking about books and I really enjoy spending time with them, but I long for a whole group of friends; I long for unscheduled trips, fooling on the dance floor, drinking beer and watching movies together. But all this is just my fault; I stay locked indoors, reading almost all the time, going out only when dragged, but still bitching about the fact that my social life is non-existent. Yes, I’m pathetic.

And, as I said it million times before, I need a change. Of course I need a major one. The mail e received yesterday from that Rosia Montana dude really had an impact on me. I remembered his friends and what I great group I thought they made. And, inevitably, I started making all these scenarios in my mind: that we’ll meet, he’ll like me, get to be mates, introduce me to his friends and ta-da! I’d have another group of friends to hang out with. So, so pathetic.

But I do want my social life back. And I’m really sick and tired [at least for the moment being] of books with happy endings. Why does it always have to turn out right in books? Why do they all have those perfect lives, perfect boyfriends, true love and all that shit? Anyway, enough with feeling miserable and being pathetic for today. I’m going to take a shower and then grab another book from the bookshelf. What the fuck should I do instead? Reading is the only thing that keeps me going, at least now. Even those crappy happy ending books.

So, I’m incredibly happy right now! The trip to Iasi was awesome! But not that’s the main reason that I’m writing now. Something else made my day. I wrote about a dude I met at Rosia Montana this year and I gave him my e-mail address and he said he would write, but never did.

Guess what? I got an e-mail from him today! Wo-ho!!! I was so happy! He said he had forgot about me and when he took a certain book from the bookshelf he remembered me and that he had written my e-mail address on it. So, he wrote to me! I can’t yet believe it. I keep reading his e-mail And I wrote back to him. Maybe we’ll get together someday. I feel I have so many things to tell him. He really impressed me at Rosia Montana. Oh, yeah!!! He made my day!

Ha ha ha! And guess what? His name’s Alex This is too much for me. Not another Alex!