It’s been 2 nights since she refuses to sleep with me. She thinks she’s independent and stuff and now she sleeps on the couch. The bitch! I mean, I feed her, I clean her kitty litter, I pet her, I play with her and she doesn’t even sleep with me?!

You know what’s funny? There are days when I don’t think about you at all, days when you don’t exist. And there are days when I think about you all the time; about all those years I was madly in love with you, about the way you treated me, about how I can never be myself around you. You know what’s even funny? I was writing a post last week about the special people in my life and I wrote this about you: “I just hope you won’t pop up in my life when I least want you to. The memories I have with you are more bitter than sweet and it doesn’t always do me good to think about you, to hear from you. The thing that scares me the most is that I’m aware that I won’t ever be over you 100%. And that’s plain unfair.”

So why did you do it? Why did you tell me you broke up with her when all I wanted you to tell me was that you were OK. And why do I keep dreaming of you? I had to tell you I dreamt of you, didn’t I? I just had to write and e-mail and beg you to tell me you’re ok. Stupid, stupid, stupid me! And how about you? Do you think we can just be friends after all I’ve suffered cause of you? After the way you treated me? Of course I want to know how you are, of course I think about you, but no, I won’t ever be able to forgive you. And still…

You know what you are? You are my inner demon. No matter how far away I run from you, no matter how much time I don’t hear anything about you, I still can’t forget you; I still get back to you. And today, when you told me you broke up with her I had my first panic attack ever. I started crying. I was picturing you trying to hurt me again, just as you did before. I know it’s stupid, but I couldn’t help myself. You scare me, do you know that? You scare the shit out of me. No, I can’t meet you again, I can’t talk to you again. It doesn’t matter you didn’t say you wanted to see me, I presumed you would; but I don’t want to see you. You know what your girlfriend was to me? A shield. She was my shield, the way of protecting myself. I knew you were happy with her, I knew you loved her. And I was just fine knowing you didn’t think about me, knowing there was always somebody between us. And now you’re free. Now you don’t have a girlfriend anymore. No I don’t have my armour, my shield. I’m once again naked in front of your. I’m vulnerable and stupid. You know I can’t say NO to you. You know I’m not over you.

And I feel even stupid knowing that you don’t want anything from me. So why am I scared of you? Why don’t I want to meet you? Why do I keep running away from you? But you’re always with me. My inner demon. I wish I could hate you. I’m powerless when it comes to you! Fuck! I’m scared of you, why don’t you understand that? I’m still licking my wounds from 4 years ago. Please, let me heal! Please, let me get you out of my mind forever! Please! I can’t put up going through that living hell again… but you know I can’t say NO to you.

I think I’m losing it. I’m bloody paranoid right now! I’m making up scenarios in my mind when all he said was he is single right now. Do I want him that bad or am I fuckin’ scared of him? Bloody hell!

Dana didn’t call me today. She was supposed to give me a call and let me know when it’s ok for here to meet, have a little chat and give me my iPod. And she didn’t call I’m disappointed. I hate it when people let me down like this. I mean… I want that iPod BADLY and she knows that. I’m just like a kid wanting his new toy. Why doesn’t she want to give it to me? Why? And, and, I can’t call her now… she’s probably at home and doesn’t want to go back downtown Bloody hell, I want that iPod! And no, I can’t wait, I don’t want to wait. I want it nooooooow!!!! Some people make me feel like shit.

I’ll be receiving my iPod sometime tomorrow. The problem is that I have no idea what name to give it. And, to my surprise and shame and bla bla bla, I’ve realised that my eBook reader is also nameless. Any suggestions?

Pfff, I’ve just seen the movie Sliding Doors [excellent movie!] and I’ve fallen in love with one of the actors: John Hannah

And during the movie I was exactly like this:

I’ve gotta stop looking at the Garfield comics. It’s a killer!

I’m not a music freak like My Maria and many other people are, but music is an important part of my life. I always associate people and places and feelings with certain bands, songs or lyrics. Alex was Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lori was Queen, Alex B. was Iris, Radu was Luna Amara and Cata … well, here’s the problem. There are too many bands I listened to when I was with him and which stand for my feelings for him.

My problem is that it’s still painful to listen to certain bands because they remind me of him and it all comes back to me. I know this is stupid and I shouldn’t let some old rusty feelings affect my musical appetite, but I can’t… and every time I take a look at my last.fm top artists I feel like screaming. Why don’t I listen to The Cranberries anymore? Why can’t I get rid of his image in my mind every time I listen to The Cure? Why do I always feel like crying when I hear Perfect spot by uRMa? Not to mention that there are certain band that I don’t listen to anymore just because he listens to them too [yeah, so what if I gave them to him in the first place?].

But I’m going to take this step-by-step. Today I’ve listened to The Cure and although it hurts and I’m constantly thinking about him, I want to get over him totally. I’m not yet read for the Cranberries, not to mention Bang Gang. But I know I’m going to make it. I’ll be able to listen to my music without thinking about Cata related stuff. I know I will!

… from my friends It was awesome yestraday evening. Thank you Jen and Patric for the quality time we spent together and for making me laugh and laugh and laugh. I love you, guys! And now, some pics

Bookcrossing second edition

with Patric

awwwww

Cooking for Jen - in fact, fooling around after the food was ready

uRMa fooling around too

Jen and uRMa

our work [too bad we don’t have pictures with the fries and the sausages ] [and too bad oompa-loompa wasn’t here as well ]

uRMa loves Patric [ too bad Patric’s allergic to cats ]

don’t even ask!!!!

Da, ajung si eu, in sfarsit si thank you God, la un concert Kumm. Stiu ca au mai fost O GRAMADA de cand m-am mutat aici, dar ba nu aveam cu cine sa merg, ba nu aveam bani, ba… ba… ba… De data asta mi-am bagat picioru’ si ma duc. Da, mai, chiar ma duc! Uite ca nu imi vine nici mie sa cred. Miros a pepene galben, nu ma pot opri din zambit si abia astept sa trec pe la garderoba KUMM sa-mi iau haina de om fericit

Ps. Patric e adorabil! Ieri mi-a adus un Twix [ma tot intreb de unde stia ca ala imi place cel mai mult ], iar azi si-a lasat amprenta buzelor pe ochelarii mei Maine vine cu Jen la clatite. Abia astept

Pps. Mi-e FOARTE dor de oompa-loompa

Gata, am plecat!

Today pretty much sucked. The Economy exam was I didn’t do that well. And it’s not that I hadn’t learnt… well, ok, I didn’t, but everyone was looking for the correct answers in the book and what do you know, we couldn’t even cheat cause the questions were soooo ambiguous. Damn! Anyway, I don’t want a scholarship so the marks are not important to me - all I need to know is that I passed the exam

Then at work… … my boss yelled at me And it wasn’t even my fault!!! Yeah, it was the book I worked on, but the mistake was made after I had finished with the book. I don’t know who is responsible for that, I don’t even care, but I know it’s not my fault. He should have asked me if I was the one to blame before he yelled Damn, I felt bad and embarrassed. I know that it’s only human to make mistakes and that’s just what my boss did, but for a moment there, it was horrible.

One of the good things was that I went to the theater. It was about time! The play was directed by a sort of friend of mine and I’m not only saying this cause I know him, but it was AWESOME! The play itself was great, the translation was excellent and the actors… oh, the actors were amazing! I couldn’t believe my eyes! Yeah, those students did a hell of a job! Aaaaand, another great news is that it looks like next Monday I’ll be the proud owner of an iPod I waaaaaant that iPod and I want it NOW

Dad’s coming tomorrow here, but he’ll be leaving to Braila in the evening. I’m going to see him again this weekend and I’ll make him cook for me The best part is that he’s bringing me my summer clothes. The bad part is I’ll have to sort out the clothes from my wardrobe. Now that’s gonna hurt

Now I have to go. Virginia Woolf wants to bore me a little more this night. Bleah, I can’t believe your English teacher really likes this woman’s books!

*Nouvelle Vague - In a manner of speaking