Sour times*
March 5, 2008 I think I'm paranoid and complicated, For a minute there I lost myself, Pictures of you, Music sounds better with you 8 CommentsThere are days when I don’t recognise myself, days when I don’t know who I am.
I might be going crazy. Like, literally, crazy. Mad. Nuts. Cuckoo. I mean, how can you feel awesome one day - with no apparent reason, and the other day feel like you wanna die - no apparent reason again? Where are my reasons? Has anyone seen them? If so, could you please tell them to come back home? I’m concerned about them.
I’ve heard that in Japan or somewhere, there are these special rooms which you can hire and smash whatever they have inside. I need a room like that. Sadness makes me frustrated. And angry. And I feel like killing someone. Or smashing something. Or inflicting pain on myself. Or yelling from the top of my lungs. But, except the self-inflicted wounds, I can’t do any of the other things that would calm me down cause, you know, this is a civilized world we’re living in. Fuck you! I don’t need your second-hand civilization, I need my anger to go away. It was a time when my arm was full of bruises and cuts, but now I’m too coward to do that. I sometimes pierce my ear, but that’s not enough.
Sometimes I’m sorry I’m not as idiot as I was, I don’t know, when I was 15 or something. At least then I thought that death is the answer to every problem. I used to be so cool about everything cause I knew I could always say screw you guys, I’m going home and then do it. Of course I could never have done it, but still, I thought I could.
Now I’m just waiting for it to go away by itself. Now I’m stupid and think that in the end everything will be OK, wtf, I actually believe it will be OK. Now I’m happy most of the time and in love with life. I make me sick. How can one be so… ignorant? What’s there to love about life, anyway? The fact that I wake up every morning, that I go to school and then to work, go back home, read a book, play with my cat, maybe go out with my friends?
I should refuse to let little things make my day. I want to be Happy, not happy. I want a Change from all of this. Of course, I’m scared shitless of what change means, but still, I wish for one. Just one. A big one. Just for me. My very own Change. I need to get rid of myself. To leave me behind and discover or invent a new Me. It’s funny that a colleague from work keeps telling me that when I’ll fall in love I’ll be a completely different person. But I fall in love almost every day, so why don’t I feel different?
I think I’ll take another week or two or three off and stop blogging. I’m actually tired of living my life online. And as I did so many times before, whenever I’m down down down, I stop blogging. Not that it helps, but I don’t know…
If these were Soma pills…
